Some Answers

The ebb and flow of faith.

The writing below is prompted by the month long  e-course Writing Our Way Home.  During the month of March I have attempted to participate in the course called Writing as A Spiritual Practice. For the month of January I participated in writing small stones  as a way to observe the world around me- and felt very comfortable doing this. I have been using photography as a spiritual practice since 2009, so I thought incorporating writing would be something to try.

To put it bluntly the course had me crawling around some areas of my mind that I have worked really hard to packed away. I know for a fact there are things I need to let go of - so I can embrace gently. Never the less I have in my fashion gotten through this course- I have read and thought about everything that Fiona sent out. My small stone writing has all but disappeared- well that is not true- most of my small stones are in my notebook that I left at my sister-in-laws in Florida.

 "Praise" - this weeks essay.

Praise that I took this course 

 Praise that is is over. 

Praise that I persevered

It began with the question- "Do you have faith?"  I answered yes. But the forces that coordinate life lessons timed a perfect question - "Are you sure about that?"  I was away from home on a 5 day trip I did not want to take. I had little or no internet access. I was returning to  2009 (the year from hell). I survived -again. But alas I was behind on my course assignments and that was that. Unplanned house guests arrived and I left on a another trip that lasted 2 days longer then I thought- and I left my notebook and all my papers for the course in Florida. So now four course days are left - no notebook in sight.  I feel a bit like when I dropped out of typing in high school. But now look at me, I can type in the dark. With that in mind I am thinking I will do one assignment a month- on my own. I will return to keeping my mind on my photos and seeing God grace in the moments He presents to me.

Oh and I have started a new blog-A small stone Gathering where I put the small stones I will continue to write.  

An overview of March 2011-  

 "I catch the wave of faith with just enough momentum to overcome a feeling of ..."

 A month  ago I ended this sentence with the word   

 dread.

Some of the observations I made this month-

• Times when I forget where I put my faith, dread fills my heart; 
• Dread leaves me unbalanced-which is good to know since my focus this year is balance

Things I have been known to dread:

• Nearly anything that takes me away from my home
• being responsible for others
• talking to needy or toxic people
• big crowds
• planning
• not enjoying something I am supposed to enjoy
• being unseen or left behind
• Dread /fear makes my heart shrink away from- noise, questions, making plans, reaching out, being light filled.

Additionally there is a pattern for me of cleaning, and organizing prior to change or while waiting for faith to return. It makes me feel safe and worthy when I have a clean house, clean car, clean pantry; I have done my bit to bring order and comfort.  I have done something to not only earn worth but feel good enough give praise. A coping mechanism with a long story. I realize that this is not a completely healthy way of being- but it is honest. And I know when I am ready to fully trust that God will walk with me- even if my house is a mess. Someday I will allowed faith to carry me a bit further. Until then I am content that even in my moments of misplaced faith that I am loved. All the while amidst the chaos I have a place of calm, if I but stop and breath a little prayer.  

Easy answers -no. Faith -yes.   

Praise and thankfulness I am back home.